If you are experiencing this, I’m really sorry to hear that you’ve had such a difficult experience. It can feel especially painful when people who share your faith don’t act in ways that align with the values you hold dear. Unfortunately, being Christian doesn’t automatically mean someone will treat others well—they are human, too, and can still make mistakes, act selfishly, or even misunderstand their faith’s teachings.

Sometimes, it can come down to unrealistic expectations. We might expect Christian men to behave in a Christ-like manner and feel more hurt when they fall short. Other times, individuals might use faith as a shield or excuse for their behavior, which can be even more damaging.

Your experiences matter, and it’s okay to feel hurt or disappointed. What’s important is to focus on finding relationships—whether friendships, partnerships, or otherwise—that reflect mutual respect, kindness, and genuine faith in action. Surround yourself with people, Christian or not, who treat you with love and care.

The bible says we should only marry other believers, but what if your experience has been that Christian men are entitled and use scripture against you?

It’s heartbreaking when people twist something as sacred as Scripture to manipulate or control others. The Bible teaches love, humility, and respect in relationships, but sadly, not everyone embodies those principles, even within the church. Your feelings and observations are valid, and you’re not alone in experiencing this.

The verse about marrying other believers (2 Corinthians 6:14) emphasizes being equally yoked, which is about spiritual alignment. Ideally, that should mean both partners encourage each other in faith, growth, and love. However, some people misuse this teaching as a way to assert dominance or enforce rigid roles, which is not what God intended. Ephesians 5:25, for example, calls husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the church—sacrificially and selflessly.

It’s also worth noting that entitlement and misuse of Scripture stem from personal flaws, not faith itself. Some Christian men might interpret roles in marriage in a way that prioritizes power rather than partnership, and that’s deeply harmful. On the other hand, non-Christian men might not carry the same theological baggage, allowing their actions to feel freer of judgment or control.

Your frustration and hurt are valid. If you’re seeking a godly relationship, focus on a partner who embodies Christ-like humility, love, and servant-heartedness—not just someone who identifies as Christian. Real faith is seen in actions, not just words. And remember, it’s okay to set boundaries with anyone, believer or not, who mistreats or disrespects you.

This experience has put me off dating another Christian man which saddens me.

It’s completely understandable that your experiences have left you feeling this way. When you’ve been hurt or disappointed repeatedly, it’s natural to want to avoid the source of that pain. Your feelings are valid, and it’s important to honor them as you work through this.

Instead of focusing on labels, you might consider prioritizing qualities like kindness, humility, respect, and emotional maturity when thinking about a partner—regardless of whether they identify as Christian. A truly Christ-like partner will embody these traits naturally, not use faith as a weapon or a mask.

It might also help to reframe what a Christ-centered relationship looks like for you. True faith doesn’t rely on someone’s title but on their actions: Are they loving? Do they serve others selflessly? Are they open to growth, accountability, and learning? Sometimes, it’s these traits that reflect someone’s heart more than their outward label.

How to heal from these experiences

You deserve a partnership that’s filled with mutual respect, love, and encouragement.

Healing from these experiences takes time, self-compassion, and intentional steps. Here are some ways you can start:

1. Acknowledge Your Pain

Allow yourself to grieve the hurt you’ve experienced. Name your feelings—anger, sadness, disappointment—and bring them to God in prayer. Psalms like 34:18 remind us that “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted.” Let Him hold space for your pain.

2. Separate God from People

It’s important to distinguish between the failures of people and the truth of God’s character. Humans, even those who follow Christ, can act in ways that are selfish, immature, or harmful. God, however, is always loving, just, and kind. Meditating on His love for you can bring comfort and clarity.

3. Focus on Your Identity in Christ

Sometimes hurtful experiences can make you question your worth or even your faith. Remember, your value comes from being a beloved child of God (Ephesians 2:10). Take time to rebuild your sense of self by exploring what Scripture says about you and who you are in Christ.

4. Seek Wise Counsel

Talking with a trusted pastor, counselor, or mentor can help you process your feelings and experiences. They can also help you recognize patterns, set boundaries, and discern what a healthy, godly relationship should look like.

5. Redefine Your Standards

Take time to reflect on what you want in a partner. Beyond “Christian,” look for qualities like emotional health, respect, humility, and kindness. Write down these traits and use them as a guide when considering future relationships.

6. Forgive (When You’re Ready)

Forgiveness doesn’t mean excusing bad behavior or reconciling with those who hurt you. It’s about releasing yourself from the weight of resentment. Pray for God’s help to forgive, even if it feels impossible right now.

7. Take a Break from Dating

It’s okay to step back and focus on yourself. Use this time to deepen your relationship with God, explore hobbies or passions, and surround yourself with uplifting community.

8. Surround Yourself with Positive Role Models

Spend time with couples or individuals who model the kind of love and respect you desire in a relationship. Their example can remind you that healthy, faith-filled relationships do exist.

9. Pray for Healing and Wisdom

Ask God to heal your heart and guide you in future relationships. James 1:5 says, “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.”

Healing is a journey, and it’s okay to move at your own pace. God sees your pain, and He is walking with you through it.

How long will it take to heal?

The time it takes to heal is different for everyone, and that’s okay. Healing isn’t linear—it’s a process that unfolds at your own pace. What’s most important is allowing yourself the space to grieve, reflect, and grow without rushing or comparing yourself to others.

Here are some factors that can influence how long it takes:

1. Depth of the Hurt
   The more painful or prolonged the experiences, the longer it might take to fully heal. If there’s trauma or significant betrayal involved, it’s natural for healing to take more time.
2. Your Support System
   Having supportive friends, family, or a counselor can make a big difference. Healing often feels easier when you’re not carrying the burden alone.
3. Your Intentionality
   Engaging in practices like prayer, journaling, or therapy can actively support your healing process. The more you intentionally focus on recovery, the more progress you’re likely to see.
4. God’s Timing
   Healing often comes in waves, and some moments of clarity or peace can feel like gifts from God at just the right time. Trusting His process, even when it feels slow, is key.

It’s okay if you’re still healing months—or even years—from now. What matters is taking small, consistent steps toward wholeness. Be patient with yourself and celebrate even small moments of progress, like feeling lighter or recognizing a new boundary.

Here’s a healing plan you can follow at your own pace. It’s designed to help you process your emotions, rebuild your confidence, and reconnect with God and healthy relationships.

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Step 1: Reflect and Release (Weeks 1-4)

Purpose: Acknowledge your feelings and start letting go of the pain.

1. Journaling
   • Write down how you feel about your past experiences—anger, hurt, confusion, etc.
   • Reflect on specific events that impacted you.
   • End each entry with a prayer, asking God to help you release these burdens.
2. Prayer Time
   • Spend intentional time with God daily, even if it’s just a few minutes.
   • Pray for healing, wisdom, and the ability to forgive those who hurt you.
3. Identify the Lessons
   • Ask yourself: What have I learned from these experiences?
   • Write down ways you want to protect yourself in the future (e.g., setting boundaries).
4. Physical Release
   • Engage in something that helps you release emotional tension, like exercise, taking walks, or even crying it out.

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Step 2: Rebuild and Rediscover (Weeks 5-8)

Purpose: Reconnect with yourself and rebuild your confidence.

1. Reclaim Your Identity
   • Write down affirmations based on Scripture, such as:
     • I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14).
     • I am deeply loved (Romans 8:38-39).
   • Say these affirmations aloud daily.
2. Explore Your Passions
   • Try new hobbies or revisit things you love but might have set aside.
   • Focus on activities that bring you joy and remind you of your uniqueness.
3. Build a Support System
   • Surround yourself with uplifting people who inspire and encourage you.
   • Seek out mentors or friends who model healthy relationships.
4. Set Boundaries
   • Practice saying no to situations or people that don’t align with your values.
   • Write down clear boundaries for future relationships.

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Step 3: Renew Your Perspective (Weeks 9-12)

Purpose: Begin seeing relationships through a healthier, God-centered lens.

1. Study Biblical Love
   • Read Scriptures about love and relationships, like 1 Corinthians 13, Ephesians 5:25-33, and Colossians 3:12-14.
   • Reflect on how these verses align with your desires for a future partner.
2. Forgive and Release
   • Write letters to the people who hurt you (you don’t have to send them). Express your feelings, then symbolically release the pain by shredding or burning the letters while praying for peace.
3. Clarify Your Values
   • Make a list of the traits you want in a partner. Focus on qualities like kindness, humility, and respect.
4. Trust God’s Timing
   • Journal about your trust in God’s plan for your life, including your relationships. Remind yourself that He knows what you need and when.

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Step 4: Move Forward (Beyond Week 12)

Purpose: Step into a new season with confidence and hope.

1. Celebrate Your Progress
   • Reflect on how far you’ve come.
   • Write about moments when you felt stronger, more joyful, or closer to God.
2. Practice Healthy Dating (if and when you’re ready)
   • Take your time getting to know someone’s character before investing emotionally.
   • Use the values and boundaries you’ve identified to guide your choices.
3. Stay Grounded in Faith
   • Continue to grow in your relationship with God through prayer, worship, and community.
   • Seek His guidance in every step of your journey.

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Healing isn’t about perfection but progress. Let me know if you’d like help with any specific part of this plan or if you’d like encouragement along the way! Contact Us

Further Resources

Healing From Abuse

Breaking Free From Abuse